Ah insomnia...

Ah insomnia, thy name is pregnancy. Whether it be 3 am or 5, or even 12, it still sucks as I have much to worry about these days and given one inch of leash my brain will go on a tear around the whole neighborhood peeing and digging up gardens wherever it may roam.

Sigh.

It hit me during date night that I have not even considered what it's going to be like caring for an infant and three toddlers on days when I have 'no' help. I suppose I rarely have none, I'm going to have to really get over my asking for help issues with my husband and wake his butt up to help me when I need it. And I am going to need it. But how does one breast feed one kid, prepare breakfast for three others and get them all dressed and out of the house? Seems a little overwhelming right now. Not something I should be thinking of at 5 am. There is no solution until I'm in it making it happen.

Then I start thinking of all the areas in my house that need cleaning up, reorganizing and so on, so we can have a nice place but also because we are going to start the 'finding a new house and selling the old one' process pretty much immediately after I get home from the hospital. We can not afford this house any more, we have delayed long enough, and it's time to get outta town. So I have to get paint touched up, all surfaces emptied, all clutter donated or stored and then find time to look at houses elsewhere. That sounds doable while incapacitatedly pregnant right?

Taxes. Ugh.

Taking the kids to the dentist. This I have been talking about for a year. I know I'm delinquent. I suck at caring for my own teeth. I need to do better for them. I am not feeling like it's going to go well, but what's new. And they could surprise me.

Breastfeeding and all that goes with it is another minefield. Let's not even go there.

Is my cat Piglet sick or just old? How many times am I going to take her into the vet thinking something is wrong only to have no findings supporting it? I have never had a cat make it to 13 before. They all got cancer or something terrible much earlier on. Witnessing the aging combined with the guilt of them having to adjust to triplets is wearing on my usually great animal wellness radar. I have lost faith in my ability to tell if she's healthy or not.

Is that a contraction? No, wait, is THAT one? No. Dammit.

I'm hungry. Do I have the energy to get out of bed and do something about it? No.

What have I done by deciding to have a large family? I obviously can't turn back now. Am I going to really be able to do this? Will I ever have the energy to feel like I can keep up with the kids and keep them happy and entertained and healthy and not be dragging myself around like I have for the past year or two? Have I really just been sick and overwhelmed or is this who I am? Oh, to have a weekend on my own without kids and see if I really miss it. I mean, was I happier single, reading my paper with my cats and watching TV alone? Sure seems delightful now. I'm sure I must have been bored. And these amazing personalities I have created could not be returned but still, lord it's hard to consider the next 17 years.

Am I capable of ever living in the present and just dealing with today? Not looking back at what used to be or forwards at what might be but really just sitting here with my current life and experiencing it? This is what I need to practice. My guess is the insomnia might just go away too.

Thanks for listening to my list of worries. Feel free to add your own!

Something

Today I get to do one of the fun things in pregnancy: see my baby! Today is the anatomy ultrasound, which for the unlearned means we look at and measure every stinking part of the kid to make sure there's no humps in the back or tails growing out in strange places. But knowing I most likely have a perfectly normal kid doesn't eliminate the sleeplessness and strange dreams of the night before because there is always a possibility that something could come out wrong. There is no guarantee that the pictures they took 10 weeks ago and the genetic testing rules out an extra leg you know? And it wouldn't be the end of the world but I think everyone goes into their pregnancy expecting perfection and I have long ago come up with a general rule of pregnancy that is pretty much 100% true: at some point in every pregnancy the Dr. will tell you 'something could be wrong.'

Every stinking pregnancy people. I know not one mom who didn't have this stupid moment in their pregnancy when the Dr. sees something on the ultrasound that may or may not be an issue, may or may not mean you have to come back for extra testing/pictures/visits to confirm or deny that there may or may not be an extra freckle on the nose of your kid.

What's frustrating is that it seems that 99% of the time these turn out to be 'nothing.' Just a funny picture. An anomaly on the screen that's gone the next time or, in my last pregnancy, seems to be fine but we'll really have to see once the kid's born. B had a funny space in his intestines. This could mean he was leaking from the intestine into his body cavity. Leaking body waste is never good, but when you're a fetus? Could mean in utero surgery. And when they tell you something 'might be wrong' you go straight into hell. Why me, why this innocent kid, what did I do wrong, was it that one glass of champagne, am I in for a lifetime caregiver stint, is he going to die, and possibly even what can I promise God to make this go away?

Pregnancy should be perfect. Babies should all be perfect. No one should ever have to suffer, right?

But everyone I know ended up with a perfectly healthy kid despite the 'might be something wrongs' on their ultrasounds. So, in this era of Drs covering their butts by having to tell you everything that is even slightly abnormal on the pictures we live through much more stressful pregnancies. I'm not sure full disclosure is necessary. But we've forced it on them and ourselves I guess. Thanks litigators. I mean, I really don't need to know until something is confirmed that there is definitely something wrong. Then I can prepare. Because pregnancy makes it hard enough to sleep already without the new worries that are 99% unnecessary because they are 99% of the time 'NOTHING' instead of 'something.'