Well the doctor called me today and said I'm anemic. Half of me thinks this is the solution to all of my problems, as if an iron pill a day will make me not exhausted when I'm pregnant, caring for triplet toddlers, dealing with my mom's crap and moving through the anniversary of my dad's death from cancer last year.
Yep, a pill ought to do it!
I do truly hope that taking an iron pill will give me a bit more energy, and mom's move is over after today, in theory (not to tempt the gods to make it last a third day), and I'm not one to pick a time of year to get depressed about something bad that happened, so perhaps I will be feeling better soon, physically and mentally. But I also know I'm depressed. Life feels very hard right now because every day is the same thing. Get up, care for the kids, slog through whatever mom throws at me, count the minutes to kid bedtime and try to cram in a couple of hours of things I like to do before I go to bed for what may or may not be a restful night, depending on the kids' and my pregnant body's cooperation.
I think I need a challenge. I feel like if I were struggling more, say, had no mornings a week with a nanny, had a disabled child, or something that made it truly impossible to make it through the day, I'd feel happier. Crazy no? But I'd be challenged. There was nothing I liked better about my previous jobs than days where I had to be so efficient that people's head spun as I went by. That's why I loved animal rehab with its 400 baby birds needing feeding while the phone rang and people dropped off new injured animals and cages needed cleaning. I loved retail during the Christmas season because there was always too much to do. I loved even just being an administrative person at a medical office because there was more to do in the day than could be accomplished.
At each of these jobs I left at the end of the day knowing I was probably the best employee because I don't lose my head in a crisis, I love the challenge of getting too much done in too little time, and I still did it well with a smile on my face.
Technically I do have too much to do in too little time, but some of it is easy to ignore. Say taking the garbage out or sweeping the floor. Just not really important when compared to keeping animals alive. How about folding laundry or de-cluttering my house? It can wait, right?
So how to feel motivated and challenged when caring for children (and mom) 24/7? I should be crafting xmas presents or something, but it works better when there's an urgency to what I'm doing. Christmas presents can wait too. I know so many women who do so much during nap time it puts me to shame.
And lethargy breeds lethargy. I promise. Half of my tiredness is boredom. I need a kick in the pants. I need a deadline. I need a boss breathing down my neck. I am an achiever of goals, not a creator of goals to achieve. I need a boss. Or a wife. I'll take either. Any takers?