Scary Mommy

I seem to have perfected the scary mommy routine. That does not mean it's always effective. But when it is? It's gooooood.

When B decided to climb over his pack n play crib edge and wander to the top of the stairs in our vacation home the other night, I first got scared. Then I got mad. The second time he jumped out of bed while I was waiting in the hall, I got mean. I stuck my face so close to his and I told him never, ever to do that again. Apparently it worked. I also removed the mattress from his crib as well as any stuffed animals which could be used as stair steps to get out of bed. But the next night when I put it all back in? He stayed put.

Yesterday, when all three of my children were fighting over every single thing, including every toy they had not seen in 10 days upon returning to my house and had, within 20 minutes, driven mommy completely over the edge? I revved up the mean mommy and hollered. Wouldn't you know it? They stopped what they were doing. Stared at mean angry mommy. Made me feel like crap. Then went right back to what they were doing. But at least I know I can get their attention.

Sometimes.

Other times its like I'm talking to the wall. I could scream at the top of my lungs and not a reaction could be seen. Not a twitch of an ear. Not a turn of the head. Which does not make mommy quieter.

So, perhaps we're at 50/50 success rate with the mean mommy act. I just have to force myself not to use it too often as we are moving into prime defy mommy age. Otherwise it will lose its power. Such that it is....

speak!

Why is it I'm the only one NOT hearing my children say words. My mother in law, husband, nannies, and apparently everyone else are convinced they've heard words come out of my childrens' mouths and all I can think is...."wishful thinking." I hear a close approximation of a syllable that may or may not be them imitating what's coming out of your mouth but I wouldn't call it a word folks. You say 'shoe' A says 'so' or 'sho' and you call that saying 'shoe?' Hmm.

Am I just too hardline? Should I accept a marginal syllable as a word? I mean we are getting pretty desperate here with almost a year and a half gone by and not a word to be found. Other than the usual 'mama' and 'dada' which can be used for at least half a dozen different things other than mom and dad. Sure, triplets take their time and it's quite clear that they understand one another and follow directions and know the parts of their bodies, so I know they aren't 'slow.' But this lack of words is starting to drive me nuts. I keep counting down to their 18 month dr appointment saying we have to get some words by then or we're going to look bad!

I do not want to need intervention, my kids are clearly smart, but perhaps we're just so good at interpreting what they need without words that they have little need to try them. Sigh. Is it time to whip out the flash cards? I am so not a high pressure mom and our pediatrician is just the same and always makes me stop worrying but come on kids! I need a word! Not just 'ba' for ball, I need a complete word like 'up' or 'baby.'

Speak dammit! Speak!

Smile yourself happy

I've finally bitten the bullet and plunked down a lot of cash to book a house for a 'vacation' with the triplets. I picked a lovely 5 bedroom house on the Russian River, which is only about an hour and a half from here. It's also only 30 min north of the grandparent's house in Petaluma, so I'm not stretching too much. All hell breaks loose and we can come scurrying home with our tail between our legs. Being only 30 from the in-laws also means if we forget things we are easily in reach of it or a walmart at any time. And if they fall and crack their fool heads, we are 15-30 from the nearest big town with a hospital.

Now where the nearest mental ward is I am not sure.

Triplets preparing their lounge chair act

In any case, I am trying to put a positive attitude on for this, since it scares me silly to be 10 days without a nanny to help out. I am contemplating ways to have help come but other than conscripting friends, I'm not sure. But I'm certain I have to be the positive one or it will go to heck for sure. If momma ain't happy....you know? So I'm going to try an experiment. This might shock some of you who know me well, but I'm going to try not to think of everything that could go wrong and I'm going to put a smile on and arrive like we're going to have the best time ever.

Think it'll work, this brain transplant idea? Because I never think of my worst case scenario thinking as a truly bad thing. Just know I'm always prepared for the worst and if the best happens, how great. Is it really worse to think the worst and then truly enjoy when you're wrong or than to think the best will happen and sometimes be disappointed? I don't know. In high school I was voted most pessimistic. So I believed I was. But in recent years I figured out it's not actually true. I am quite the optimist in most situations. What people misunderstand about me is that my sarcasm and dry sense of humor picks out the terrible things, the possible nightmares, the dark stuff, and uses that as fodder. So my jokes are negative, dark or possibly pessimistic. I'm not.

There are a few people in my life who have just not gotten this. They are not my friends ever if for long. If you think I'm just a complainer and griper, why would you want to be my friend? But is it their lack of sense of humor that is the problem or am I sometimes too much to take? Hard to say. Sure it annoys me when someone tells me I'm too negative or to lighten up. But I usually am just shocked. I'm sitting there at a wedding saying I hope the bride doesn't notice that the waiters just screwed up and someone thinks I'm being negative. Um, I'm empathizing with the bride? Or possibly I'm having a little fun making fun of the waiter? Or possibly I'm just making conversation? Or, heck, maybe I'm being a little snarky, but that's not a crime.

But I digress. I am a positive person or I would not be surviving triplets. I am a positive person or my mom would have me in the psych ward right along side her sometimes. I am a positive person because despite my misgivings, in three weeks I am packing up my entire house into a minivan and heading north for a week. Wish me luck.

Rollin' rollin' rollin'

Why do parents take their kids to places specifically designed for kids to enjoy and then not allow their kids to direct what happens there? Now forgive me, for I am a relatively recent mom, but I am judging parents of children very close in age to mine, so I feel justified. Just hear me out. I am a parent who believes strongly in child driven outings. Sure, I pick the place we go to and hopefully it's safe, easy to herd triplets around and entertaining to us all, but once we're there? If they're not happy, we move on, if they are content, there we stay. This is admittedly difficult with three completely different personalities but so far it's working.

Last week we went to a local children's museum. I brought along the usual diaper bag with all the back ups, including a change of clothes for each kid. I knew that outside the area we were planning on hanging out at had a 'stream' of sorts for the kids to play in. Being an intelligent human being, I could predict that there was a chance we'd end up in said stream. Water and toddlers necessarily means wet kids. Wouldn't you think?

But in the 20 minutes we spent playing in the stream I heard two different parental units admonishing their kids not to splash. You heard me, two unrelated toddlers, a boy and a girl, were expected to play in a stream so carefully as to not wet their clothing. Wait, you bring your very young child with very little self control to a child centered facility with a stream designed so perfectly that it is at their height and has toys for them to use swimming around in it and swirls and swishes around curves and bumps and you want them to play in the water without splashing? Are you missing brain cells? Why did you bring them to the stream where children splash if you didn't want them to splash? Did you forget the spare clothing? Are they going to melt if they get water on their clothes? What is the point people???

As for the schedule driven parents, I suspect they are behind the nature of the gym class I took my triplets to two weeks ago on a test run. Once class began we were given bells to ring to sing a song, 2 minutes later at the end of the song we were to rip these same shiny, never seen before, silvery, jingly bells out of our toddler's fingers and move on to walking around in a circle.Okay. Then we were to run in a circle and then we moved on to somersaults, and then it was time for the parachute and then it was time for on top of the parachute and then it was time for around the parachute and then it was time for the balls and then it was time to give the balls back, and then it was time for the balance beam.....well you get the idea, right? How fun is it for a toddler to get a ball and then have to give it back 2 minutes later? How fun is it to have a parachute come out but only be allowed to run in a circle around it for 2 minutes, then get under it for 2 minutes and then get on top of it for 2 minutes. Come on people! Let's relax a bit. I know the attention span of toddlers isn't great but they want to keep the ball for a little longer.

And today at the zoo, here's a father in the zoo playground with a daughter no older than 2. Yes, we're at a zoo and usually one goes to the zoo to see the animals, but several of us parents had ended up here at the playground. It's a great option for restless kids who have been strapped to a stroller through the zoo, right? It's our first trip to the zoo but I can tell you my kids liked the playground the best. So what if we paid money to come to a playground, the kids are delighted. So there's this other little girl who wants to swing in the swings for a bit. Dad has been half heartedly helping her play all over the playground for 10 minutes that I've observed but here, apparently, he puts his foot down. No, it's apparently time to see the kangaroos. This girl cries and begs and pleads and he just sits down and reads his paper until she gives up and goes to see the kangaroos. I ask you, what harm would it have done to allow her to swing? Why the rush? Wont the kangaroos be there tomorrow? Have you forgotten for whom you came to the zoo in the first place?

So, parents out there, I ask you to lighten up. Sure, take the kids to special places, plan in advance what you hope to accomplish or avoid there, but go with the flow for goodness' sake. If your kid has more than 10 minutes interest in something, isn't that great? Wasn't the point just to entertain them for x number of minutes anyway? Who cares if they get wet, they're kids! Roll with it, and that's an order.