Trapped.

Today I feel trapped. Trapped in this house for one. It seems that the idea I had to blow this town for a bigger better but cheaper house is at a stalling point. To get out of this dreary foggy city for some suburbs with more sun and the critical part, a house where the kids can play in and outside all at once instead of having to make a decision to either play in the back yard or inside because we all have to relocate in order for it to happen.

I'm mad. I suppose I'm mad at the economy. First, finding a house in a price range that matches our borrowing ability? And let's talk about that borrowing ability. We could borrow fully 1/3 more 3 years ago. 3 years ago! Thanks market. So now we need more house for waaaay less money, because we happen to live in the kind of place where a 4 br house is a million dollars. Were we still living in Maryland? I could get a house for 400k. Back in Illinois where we grew up? 100k, maybe 200k. This sucks. And naturally, since we're mortgaged up to our eyeballs currently, we need this house to sell to get the downpayment. Only selling it at what we paid for it? Unlikely. Have we managed to pay down the principal even a wee bit? No.

So mad. So trapped. All I wanted was a house more functional for 4 kids and me to survive in. And being a little closer to the grandparents would be nice. And, all the things I dreamed about while sitting in their house where the weather is warmer and the outside is right outside instead of down a steep set of stairs that the kids can't be trusted on alone.

I also sometimes feel trapped in this life. I wake up and the reality of having 3 kids and being pregnant with another? Overwhelming. It's not like I can give them back. I'm going to be tired for YEARS. I think about the nice condo downtown that we used to rent, the freedom, the views, the ease of life, walking to the farmer's market and walking to any of a dozen restaurants in the area. Ugh. I know I didn't appreciate it at the time because there were no trees, no grass, no kids laughing in the next room. But sometimes I really do wish I could ditch it all and go back to then. When I could have a full uninterrupted day of peace, reading or doing whatever. Unless the husband wanted attention. Which was usual, so let's say a half day of uninterrupted peace at least. But so little to do! So much me time!

Hard to not wish one's self back there sometimes. I know it wasn't necessarily a happier time, but its almost like now I'd appreciate it more. Kind of like your teen years, or maybe even college years. Oh how we didn't appreciate the freedom, the fun, the closeness, the lack of responsibilities, until it was all over.

So, today the word is trapped. Not happy obviously. But not morbidly depressed. Just bleah. Someone win the lottery dammit. In my family that is. Me in particular. I want a new home!

On the road again

This house just isn't working anymore. 800 stairs up to get the kids out of bed, 800 stairs up every time someone needs to be helped back to sleep, 800 stairs up for every nap. 800 stairs down to take a walk to the park, drive to the Dr.'s office, go to the zoo, go to the grandparents house.

When we thought we were only having one kid at a time, this seemed reasonable. And, truth be told, you are not going to find a house in SF without the 800 stairs. But I'm getting old. And I have three kids at once. Early on, I could carry two at a time to reduce my stair running by one trip. Heck, in an emergency I had a laundry basket plan for all three. I often contemplated installing some sort of rope and pulley system though, because when they were taking 3 naps a day that meant running the stairs with them 4 times a day minimum. Too bad I don't have a tight ass to show for it. I guess the sitting on the sofa every other possible second of the day kind of counteracted the stairs.

So our beautiful 1914 house, with custom paint on the inside, a mural to beat all in the nursery and neighbors I've bonded with over the last couple of years? Going to have to be sold. We are going to have to move to the 'burbs. Not only to find a house with fewer stairs but to afford a bigger house with enough bedrooms. A house with an office for my husband so our marriage can survive another decade. A house with a yard and kids playing in the street and schools you don't have to play a lottery system to get into. Well it does sound good in a lot of ways.

But I had intended on living here forever. Everyone but me bought that one. I thought that mural would be painted over maybe when the kids were 9. Maybe. It is the hardest thing to let go of.

That and moving away from my BFF. Sniff.