Monday, September 14, 2009


Today I feel trapped. Trapped in this house for one. It seems that the idea I had to blow this town for a bigger better but cheaper house is at a stalling point. To get out of this dreary foggy city for some suburbs with more sun and the critical part, a house where the kids can play in and outside all at once instead of having to make a decision to either play in the back yard or inside because we all have to relocate in order for it to happen.

I'm mad. I suppose I'm mad at the economy. First, finding a house in a price range that matches our borrowing ability? And let's talk about that borrowing ability. We could borrow fully 1/3 more 3 years ago. 3 years ago! Thanks market. So now we need more house for waaaay less money, because we happen to live in the kind of place where a 4 br house is a million dollars. Were we still living in Maryland? I could get a house for 400k. Back in Illinois where we grew up? 100k, maybe 200k. This sucks. And naturally, since we're mortgaged up to our eyeballs currently, we need this house to sell to get the downpayment. Only selling it at what we paid for it? Unlikely. Have we managed to pay down the principal even a wee bit? No.

So mad. So trapped. All I wanted was a house more functional for 4 kids and me to survive in. And being a little closer to the grandparents would be nice. And, all the things I dreamed about while sitting in their house where the weather is warmer and the outside is right outside instead of down a steep set of stairs that the kids can't be trusted on alone.

I also sometimes feel trapped in this life. I wake up and the reality of having 3 kids and being pregnant with another? Overwhelming. It's not like I can give them back. I'm going to be tired for YEARS. I think about the nice condo downtown that we used to rent, the freedom, the views, the ease of life, walking to the farmer's market and walking to any of a dozen restaurants in the area. Ugh. I know I didn't appreciate it at the time because there were no trees, no grass, no kids laughing in the next room. But sometimes I really do wish I could ditch it all and go back to then. When I could have a full uninterrupted day of peace, reading or doing whatever. Unless the husband wanted attention. Which was usual, so let's say a half day of uninterrupted peace at least. But so little to do! So much me time!

Hard to not wish one's self back there sometimes. I know it wasn't necessarily a happier time, but its almost like now I'd appreciate it more. Kind of like your teen years, or maybe even college years. Oh how we didn't appreciate the freedom, the fun, the closeness, the lack of responsibilities, until it was all over.

So, today the word is trapped. Not happy obviously. But not morbidly depressed. Just bleah. Someone win the lottery dammit. In my family that is. Me in particular. I want a new home!


  1. I am sorry you feel trapped. I hope you find some relief somewhere or can make the most out of your home until you can sell it. The market will turn around just have to be patient! Hope you have a good day!

  2. welcome to California; it does really suck doesn't it? amazing the price of real estate here and although it is going down a bit, if you bought high and need to sell high, you're going to be there for a bit because I fear the market is going to take a long time around this time to come back up. my neice is in a 2-bedroom condo with 3 kids since they bought high and was hoping to sell high but then the market crashed.....

    life can feel overwhelming and I know you can feel trapped with it all; you need some time away by yourself......but I know that's not going to be able to happen.....wish I lived closer; I would come over and give you a "day off"

    hang in there......


  3. I know exactly how you feel! I never planned on raising my kids in Fl, and I don't want to, but I have no idea how we are going to get out of our how now that we owe WAY more than it is worth. I want to be near family, but we are just stuck for now. And oh, how I would love to have one day back of my life 4 years ago.. but then you look at those sweet little faces and remember, it really is worth it. The grass is always greener, you know? Except not really:)

  4. We used to wake up on Saturdays, eat breakfast, do the crosswords, and then GO BACK TO BED. I nearly want to cry just thinking about being able to do that one more time. Just once. PLEASE????? Hold on to the sweet moments your kiddos, because eventually you'll look back on these times and feel the same way. Hmm. That's probably advice I should take, too.

  5. Some days it's so hard to breathe it's ridiculous. Sometimes I look around and even though I know my house by heart I swear the walls are closer together. And that's when it's sunny and beautiful out. Winter is another beast...

    But nighttime always comes. Quiet, even for brief moments is filled with relief. And days like this one are usually followed by better ones.

    I hope you find the right home for you and your family. Your kids are super lucky to have you.