Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Kid? You'd better listen.

Dear son B,

I have to write this letter to warn you that you are on borrowed time. Should you spend another whole afternoon driving me berzerk by doing every possible thing you're not supposed to and making your brother and sister and yourself cry 816 times to be exact I might have to let you go. I mean honestly kid. Do you want to live to see your 2nd birthday? With me? Because it's looking mighty shady right now.

No, you do not have a special dispensation to stick your fingers into every interesting thing in the house particularly on days when Grandma is away. No, it is not ok to take EVERY toy away from your siblings EVERY time they choose to play with ANYTHING. No, it is also not wise to throw a tantrum every time I remove said stolen toy and return it to the rightful player of the moment. It is especially not recommended to sit on my lap and push away any attempts by your brother or sister to approach within arms reach of me. I am their mother too. Every single minute of the day.

Also? When I get distracted? Tearing crap out of the damned pop up books? NOT OK. I am so sick and tired of taping books back together and looking sadly at the remnants of some beautiful books I thought we would treasure for years that I am pretty close to never buying another book for the rest of your life. And I love books. It will make it awfully hard for you to get through school without books, but it would be a heck of a lot cheaper for me and much less stress on my nerves, which get a bit jangled at the sound of tearing paper these days.

My dear middle child, this behavior I have witnessed lately is unseemly. It is also dangerous to your health. When my voice runs out and I can no longer yell? You may find yourself put out at the bus stop. You're cute, blonde, blue eyed and chubby. You'll be well loved. Perhaps they will have a house full of destructible books and nooks and crannies they don't mind you crawling into and finding ways to kill yourself in. Perhaps you'd rather not be a triplet anyways? I'm just sayin'.

So, for the last time, let's go a little easy on mom when she's alone for the afternoon with you, especially when she's had to spend the morning wasting her time trying to help her stubborn old bat of a mom and so her nerves are a wee bit already over the edge. I know you just want attention and yes, I do appreciate that you have figured out that tantrums don't work on me so you don't even try them, but you could get positive attention by just handing me a book and letting me read it to you and possibly another kid who lives here? Wouldn't that be better than a purple faced mom? Any day?

Just a helpful recommendation,
Love your ever lovin' mom


  1. So glad to read we're not the only ones ready to set one out with the trash cans some days.

  2. Great letter!! I hope today is a better day!

  3. B, I think she means business; I'd listen if I was you, but if all else fails, call me, I'll come and pick you up and you can hang with us for a few days

    seriously, LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER and obey her. She's the best!! she really knows what she's doing, okay???

    (((hugs to you)))) hoping today is a better day


  4. Why is it that one child always wants what one of the other ones has? Do they not have any imagination of their own? One of my girls only wants to play with whatever one of the other two is playing with and exactly then. But, don't you dare let one of them take whatever she is playing with. Holy cow...serious meltdown time!


  5. My kid has a passion for tearing apart pop-up picture books. Even the ones I forgot we had. Or the ones I carefully hid. Nothing like finding sheep and duck and cat heads wedged between the wall and the bed or under the radiators...

  6. OK, I am ROFL, but not AT you. Cuz one day you will be laughing. Granted, that day is very far away, but still. As for the books? I just came across one that had teeth marks. Yet I cannot throw it out.

  7. I will take him! I will take him!