I'm ready!

How many aches, pains and sudden cramps can one have in the last two weeks of pregnancy that mean absolutely nothing? Apparently a thousand. I have been alternating excited and disappointed with every strange happening in my belly. I have been pleased with pain and discomfort thinking it could only mean progress towards labor and that's just weird. To sit there and endure what probably is an intestinal cramp thinking "maybe my cervix is opening" is just pathetic.

I want to have this baby. I want to have him the 'natural way.' I want my chance. I have read every stinking book out there on childbirth, the history of, being a midwife, meditative practices while laboring, medieval torture of laboring women in the 1950s, and keeping an open mind about what happens at the hospital. I have seen nekkid pictures of women giving birth that have truly convinced me that boobies are like snowflakes and not one pair looks like anyone else's. I have seen more crowning heads and hippie chicks giving birth in communes across America because they are the ones who allowed themselves to be photographed at the moment of birth. The haircuts, especially on the men? Hilarious.

I am ready. If I get screwed out of my VBAC I will kill someone. If I don't even once get to say 'no, no, no epidural for me ma'am' I'm gonna be pissed. I'm so freaking ready!

What's agonizing is that there is no predictable pattern that gives you even a hint of how close you are. Doctor exams on your cervix may give you hope because the cervix is opening or something is changing down there, but truth is? That means nothing. The kid could drop first. Or not. Your water could break first, or not. The 80 other 'signs of labor' are meaningless in that one could happen and it still could be weeks away from the actual labor. Or you could still end up never going to labor in time and getting a c-section.

Meanwhile, I have become incapacitated. The cankles have finally arrived (that means no differentiation between calves and ankles due to swelling.) The least little thing gives me contractions. Useless ones. Lifting my children? Almost impossible. Lap left for children to sit upon? None. Number of children wanting to sit on it simultaneously? 3. Plus 3 cats. Not doable.

Ok, boring post. I'm done. Someone send me some labor vibes. Get this kid out of me and get me on to the next phase. I just am ready to begin recovery. I want to return to the land of the useful. I want to return to sleeping in whatever position I feel like. I'm done! I'm ready!