The making of a monster

Apparently I will be turning my 4th and final child into a spawn of the devil. Or else he had natural tendencies and I'm just too tired to beat them out of him. I mean, besides the fact that once I solve one problem with him, another one pops up all of a sudden, he gets away with murder.

Back when I had triplets, and I suspect with most first time parents, it all seemed so important. Scheduled eating, sleep training, rigid nap taking, planned walks and so on. And, naturally, with three it was more important. If all three were allowed to eat on demand until they were 2 I'd be insane (more than I am already I mean,) But one baby eating on demand? Eh. I'm up anyway. Some triplet nightmare or something, or just the aches and pains of being old, post pregnancy and fat.

Naps? Well, unfortunately for the kid, he's kinda screwed by association with triplets who only nap once a day and need to get out of the house every morning. Makes it hard for him to nap whenever he's supposed to. So, then when I am home with him, how can I expect him to follow a nap schedule? Sleep training? Well, how do you go from rocking that tiny infant to sleep with tears in your eyes while singing love songs to him to letting him soothe his own dang self? The triplets were never rocked to sleep in their lives. Sucks to be them, but it was reality. A bouncy chair or swing, maybe, but no mommy ever sang and rocked them to sleep.

Ugh that makes me feel guilty as sin.

And so this kid will probably be on the bottle until he's 8, wake at night until he's 18, and live in the basement of our home playing computer games and drinking liters of Coke until we croak or he slaughters us in our sleep due to deep psychological problems. Caused by me. Babying the crap out of him.

But he's just so cute! How do you not also keep thinking that this is the last time I get to spoil a kid, snuggle a sleepy baby, see one of his middle of the night smiles greeting me, or bottle feed him into a food coma? It'll be years before I have grandchildren, I have to soak all this up or miss it forever!

I'll sleep when they go to college. For now I'll just watch them sleep.

The Blank Stare

The Blank Stare

My son B has perfected it.

And it drives me absolutely batty.

Let's see why! Imagine your 2 + year old kid wailing in bed at 8:15, a full hour and a half after lights out. You rush in to see what is the matter, and he immediately shuts up. Then you ask him what's wrong, what do you need, why are you crying, any number of permutations of 'tell me why you need me' and what does this child do?

He just goes mute. Oh, and he's apparently unable to move in order to point or nod either. He stares at me with his wide blue eyes and no expression on his face.

It's maddening. Because then? I leave the room and the INSTANT the door closes? Waaaaiiiiillll.

So I go in a second time. Mute. Third time? Mute. And depending on my sanity and amount of sleep that day the muteness enrages me to differing levels. Sometimes the muteness seems like insolence. Sometimes it seems like the paralysis of a boy who is too scared to speak. Why the latter would be true until the 4th time I go in raging like some kind of crazy bear I don't know. I'm not scary the first 3 times. I don't even have bed head yet. I likely have a little wine on board. I'm lovely for goodness' sake. So I don't think it's fear. But I'm not sure it's insolence either.

Some argue he's trying to get a rise out of me. Well it works. My choice is to sit eating my dinner listening to him wail or go in and guess what the heck is wrong with him. Is it your diaper, your bear, your boogers, what? I know this boy can speak when he wants to. But he's as good at withholding speech as I am at withholding sex.

Which is to say, damn good.

Too damned good.

If this kid isn't smothered by the time he's 3 it'll be a miracle. That silent look takes on all sorts of evil permutations when I'm already tired and frustrated. He is either an evil genius or he has a mental problem. I'd hate to punish him if there's truly something that prevents him from communicating. But I'm pretty sure he's just a pain in my butt. So I guess you're all thinking to yourselves that not going in is the answer. But that boy can wail a good long time. And half the house is trying to sleep. And that just sucks. As does a glass of wine while listening to whining. Not totally sucky but mostly.

I'm pretty sure this boy was put on the planet to finish my sanity off. Does every mother have one of these children?

I'm getting weaker

If sleep is for the weak then I'm getting weaker every day. That's right, I'm sleeping again. What's funny about having a backlog of 2 weeks of no sleep is that at first you feel worse when you start getting some. The first morning after getting a 2 hour and a 3 hour block of sleep back to back, my feet hurt, my back ached, and my tendons and muscles were all tight and sore. I guess a lot of healing was going on finally. 

The amazing thing is how well my body hid the damage from me that was occurring. Doesn't it seem remarkable that while I was suffering through my 2 weeks of no sleep I didn't feel the feet and the back and so on? Perhaps insanity has some benefits? No physical ailments to speak of. But now that there's time to fix things back up at night? I'm an old lady again. 

And wouldn't you love to know the cure that got me all this sleep? Well apparently the cure was to excise the mom from the night routine. In other words, the first night my husband fed the infant his first night time meal? Was the first night he slept for 5 hours afterwards. 

Little jerk.

I mean I spent night after night catering to his needs, trying to soothe him to a long and lasting sleep, praying to any and all higher powers for a 3 hour stint (oh who am I kidding? I would have made a deal with Satan if it were necessary) and my husband waltzes in there, feeds him more formula than he has taken from me in weeks and voila! Sleep. 

Now I suppose I should be flattered that he liked my company so much that he awoke every hour just to see me, but, ahem, for some reason I'm not. It sure didn't feel like flattery. Felt like torture. 

So after 3 nights of 'longer' blocks of sleep of up to 3 hours at a time I am feeling human again. That doesn't mean I'm not crying at the drop of a hat. Oh no, that's still happening. Now I have to sort out whether I'm in the throes of post partum depression or not. Because the slightest little thing sends me over the cliff. Baby not taking first nap of the day? Insane weeping. Children acting like hooligans in their cribs after lights out? Strong urge to beat the bejesus out of them. (Well maybe that part is normal.) 

What's hard to sort out is what is old wiring from my childhood and from having had triplets, and what is abnormal reactions in the moment. What I mean is am I losing my mind

1. because I am losing control of a situation and due to my childhood I have issues with losing control or not being able to manage a situation so that it doesn't blow up in my face? Or,

2. because when I had triplets, missing a nap meant 3 overtired children screaming at me simultaneously and I have some sort of post traumatic stress disorder reaction to overtired potentialities? Or,

3. because this is PPD and my anxiety level is through the roof and some kind of medication would help me with this?

I think I'll sleep a few more nights before I decide. I know #2 comes into play a lot. Having just one baby is a whole other way of life. One over tired baby can be handled much easier. You can even take turns rocking him or putting him to sleep. One baby who missed his nap is just one baby who has to be forced to take a longer nap next time around. One baby is not a crisis! Three are and I don't have 3. So how do I stop reacting to him like he's one of three? It's like I'm a highly trained war general and I'm having to moderate a wrestling match. I'm overskilled. My adrenaline over-surges and I'm all over the problem like we have to dig trenches and make more ammo. 

So, in any case, let's hope it's not PPD. But if it is, I will not hesitate to take meds. I am a proponent of getting all the help you need, because if you don't, the ones who really suffer are those around you. And my kids deserve a mom who is at her best. Or whats left of her best after having had triplets.

Slacker Sunday photo

Someone likes to try on other people's hats...

Even if they aren't really quite right for me....B

A List of Truths

1. Just because they sleep brilliantly from day one does not mean they will on day 55. In fact the purpose is to lull you into a false sense of security that you will not become that sleep walking zombie everyone is in the first few months and then, right when you've gotten rid of the night help, and started participating in life again by taking on daily responsibilities, BAM, there is the sleep deprivation.

2. Just because they are mild mannered and don't cry much does not mean that when they do become an early morning yeller it won't drive you insane just as fast as if they had been crying for months. It's not cumulative, it's instant.

3. 5 am? Get used to it. Try to find pleasure in the chirping birds. Or that one, bloody loud, constantly chirping, right outside your goddamned window, like some type of stupid alarm clock where you can't hit any off switch, want to throw a rock when you usually love birds, stupid happy bird. Find joy in him.

4. Think you're in control of the feeding schedule? Think again. He will eat when he wants, as much as he wants, and if he wants to snack every 2 hours throughout the day and then take real meals at 1, 2 and 3 am? He will.

5. Think you've got that whole breastfeeding thing going just because it's worked for 2 months? Think again. He'll drop your boobs like a hot potato whenever he pleases. And you? Will feel personally insulted.

6. The day you dare to think to yourself "I've got this mother thing down, don't I?" you will be destroyed by every-30-minute wakings the following night. Never, EVER think you've got it under control. That is when the baby or babies make sure you understand who is really in charge. And it isn't you.

7. The minute you tell someone that your child is a sweet, obedient, calm child who only throws tantrums every once in a while is the minute your child develops a tantrum a day habit provoked by anything from boogers on their fingers to you looking at another child in their presence. And those tantrums? Will top anything your fussy, regularly scheduled tantrum child has ever thrown.

8. Tantrums? Come in all shapes and sizes. The best ones? Are saved for the floor of the grocery store.

9. Boogers? Never cease to amaze. They will wake up plastered from head to toe in those things and it's your job to clean them off. It is almost worse than poop.

10. Diapers? Are meant to be taken off in the middle of the night. The only way to prevent this is duct tape and an ever changing parade of pjs too fun to take off for 3 days. Then? More duct tape is the only solution.

11. Baby fatness percentiles (when high) make you feel inordinately proud. As if you did anything that caused it other than contributing your fat genes to the mix. Oh yes, I have a baby in the 99th % of fatness. Did I mention that?

12. Making dinner every night for three very different eaters? Makes you long for formula feeding days. One likes beans, one likes noodles, one likes anything but doesn't want to come to dinner. Every night becomes beans and noodles and vegetables no one eats. yippee.

13. Your sense of humor can be eradicated by lack of sleep. And when you are the type of person who uses humor to get through the hard times? This is a problem. Crying outside the bagel shop while attempting to keep the baby's stroller in constant motion so he wont awaken may be a side effect.

14. You may have only one friend left after having children. And if she's a childless friend you are either really freaking lucky she puts up with you or you owe her money. Or you're a bridesmaid in her wedding and she'd rather not have to find a replacement.

15. If you plan on fitting into a bridesmaid dress 8 months after giving birth? You'd better invest in girdles and diet drinks. Thank god the bride is supposed to look better and thinner than you. In fact, maybe that's why she asked you to be a bridesmaid?

16. Sleep when the baby sleeps is a bunch of garbage. That baby will wake up the instant your head hits the pillow. Instead, keep yourself awake at all costs. Then he will sleep for 3 hours.

17. Sleep deprivation makes for long lists.

More boob talk

My best friend texted me yesterday: "I hate that my boobs have fallen!" Folks? She's 31 and childless to date. Imagine how saggy her boobs might actually be. Right. Not saggy. And yet she's failed the pencil test apparently. For the first time. And this is a crisis.

Apparently she has never looked at my mother when they're in the same room together. My mom went through a period a couple of years ago where she didn't wear a bra for one reason or another. It terrified me.

People, her boobs were at her belly button.

Why is it, by the way, that one sees all these 70 year old women walking around without bras or if they have bras they should have been burned in the 60s? Do they really just not care anymore about what is happening on their chests or are they trying to scare the crap out of those of us who are younger? I mean,  gravity is inevitable but you don't have to share its consequences! I think we got the idea when we were sneaking peeks at those National Geographic magazines back in grade school thank you very much. Boobs empty out and sag. Especially if you have lots of children. Got it.

And so it begins at 31 or 35 or whenever you've finished breastfeeding infant number x. Deflation. I don't care how perky you were, you ain't never gonna be again. Ok, maybe you A cups have a chance. Nothing for gravity to hang on to. But the rest of us?

Screwed.

And so I mustered up a little bit of sympathy for my young friend with the minutely drooping, young, stretch mark free boobs.

Ok I didn't. But I tried my damndest. I mean, even I have my limits. I'm guessing I'd terrify her if we shared a dressing room. Maybe I should so she would know how good she has it. But then again, we're trying to convince her that having babies is worth it. Might be a tad counterproductive to witness the wrath of breastfeeding?

Just wait until the first hair springs forth in a random previously hairless region girl. Then she can complain about the ridiculous things that happen when you get older. Then I'll have sympathy. Because whiskers? Are only cute on kittens.

Thanks dad!

My dad came to me in a dream this morning. And that's pretty hard to do when someone isn't actually getting any REM sleep. So I'm taking it seriously.

Actually I really needed it after the day I had yesterday. I knew he was dead so I was just absorbing his presence as much as I could, soaking in the normalcy of the conversation. He was telling me about how when he got into work that day all the people were running about flustered and kind of crazy and I was thinking to myself "I bet they were seeing as how YOU'RE DEAD AND ALL." I mean imagine if your dead co-worker showed up at work one day. You might be a bit confused.

And so he kept talking and I caught my Aunt Carolyn's eye (his sister) and was all gesturing at him and raising my eyebrows and she says "I know!" like how amazing is it that he's standing right there.

It was cool, because yesterday? Sucked for the most part. SUCKED.

There I was being so good and walking home from the doctor's office instead of getting a ride, despite the fact that there are no sidewalks on the main road (which I actually hadn't noticed ahead of time) so I'm walking on the shoulder of a very busy road like some kind of hobo/hitch-hiker and life throws me another curve.

In fact, when the sidewalks do appear, I fall off the curb like some sort of sleep deprived dork.

And all the cars slowed down to take a look at me sprawled on the concrete. It was a big fall people. The momentum was awesome. Both hands, one knee and onto the ass. Needless to say I lay on the asphalt for a moment and thought about crying. Like a big, blubbering, hasn't had a decent night's sleep in 2 weeks baby.

I almost did, but I didn't.

Because these days only my children can make me cry really. And when your day is going like yesterday? They almost certainly will. Let's just watch and see:

12:30 children return home to mommy
12:45 triplets put down for nap
12:58 first of threats given to B and A for not sleeping
1:15 J asleep, A and B still playing
1:30 After multiple threats, A asleep, B not, and R is due to be put down for nap
1:35 R, A and J asleep. B nowhere near. Remove blanket from B as punishment
1:35:01 B commences howling
1:36 B given blanket back to bribe him to shut the hell up
1:45 B still screwing around, mean mommy gets in face and threatens some more unlikely punishments
2:15 R awakens so excitedly that may have been given crack while mommy not looking
2:19 B still screwing around so mommy carries him bodily to master BR and dumps him on bed with threats not to move
2:19:01 B commences howling
2:20 Mommy curls up in fetal ball on couch and commences howling
2:30 Grandma arrives. Mommy hands off infant and heads to master BR to deal with B
2:35 more ineffective threats
2:45 mommy gets bright idea to lay down with B in bed and snuggle his ass to sleep
2:48 It works! WTH?
2:50 baby is yelling from living room. Yelling, yelling, yelling, yelling.
2:55 mommy extricates herself from B and goes to living room. Grandma stuck on a phone call. Crap.
3:00 mommy makes formula, picks up baby, heads to nursery and feeds and puts him to sleep
3:15 mommy says goodnight to grandma and goes to sleep on floor of master BR

And so it ended. Thank God it was date night and I didn't have to put them to bed. Cause it mighta gotten ugly.

And so today better be better. But I am completely convinced that my children are designed to make me crazier than the crazy I make all by myself.