Friday, June 25, 2010

A List of Truths

1. Just because they sleep brilliantly from day one does not mean they will on day 55. In fact the purpose is to lull you into a false sense of security that you will not become that sleep walking zombie everyone is in the first few months and then, right when you've gotten rid of the night help, and started participating in life again by taking on daily responsibilities, BAM, there is the sleep deprivation.

2. Just because they are mild mannered and don't cry much does not mean that when they do become an early morning yeller it won't drive you insane just as fast as if they had been crying for months. It's not cumulative, it's instant.

3. 5 am? Get used to it. Try to find pleasure in the chirping birds. Or that one, bloody loud, constantly chirping, right outside your goddamned window, like some type of stupid alarm clock where you can't hit any off switch, want to throw a rock when you usually love birds, stupid happy bird. Find joy in him.

4. Think you're in control of the feeding schedule? Think again. He will eat when he wants, as much as he wants, and if he wants to snack every 2 hours throughout the day and then take real meals at 1, 2 and 3 am? He will.

5. Think you've got that whole breastfeeding thing going just because it's worked for 2 months? Think again. He'll drop your boobs like a hot potato whenever he pleases. And you? Will feel personally insulted.

6. The day you dare to think to yourself "I've got this mother thing down, don't I?" you will be destroyed by every-30-minute wakings the following night. Never, EVER think you've got it under control. That is when the baby or babies make sure you understand who is really in charge. And it isn't you.

7. The minute you tell someone that your child is a sweet, obedient, calm child who only throws tantrums every once in a while is the minute your child develops a tantrum a day habit provoked by anything from boogers on their fingers to you looking at another child in their presence. And those tantrums? Will top anything your fussy, regularly scheduled tantrum child has ever thrown.

8. Tantrums? Come in all shapes and sizes. The best ones? Are saved for the floor of the grocery store.

9. Boogers? Never cease to amaze. They will wake up plastered from head to toe in those things and it's your job to clean them off. It is almost worse than poop.

10. Diapers? Are meant to be taken off in the middle of the night. The only way to prevent this is duct tape and an ever changing parade of pjs too fun to take off for 3 days. Then? More duct tape is the only solution.

11. Baby fatness percentiles (when high) make you feel inordinately proud. As if you did anything that caused it other than contributing your fat genes to the mix. Oh yes, I have a baby in the 99th % of fatness. Did I mention that?

12. Making dinner every night for three very different eaters? Makes you long for formula feeding days. One likes beans, one likes noodles, one likes anything but doesn't want to come to dinner. Every night becomes beans and noodles and vegetables no one eats. yippee.

13. Your sense of humor can be eradicated by lack of sleep. And when you are the type of person who uses humor to get through the hard times? This is a problem. Crying outside the bagel shop while attempting to keep the baby's stroller in constant motion so he wont awaken may be a side effect.

14. You may have only one friend left after having children. And if she's a childless friend you are either really freaking lucky she puts up with you or you owe her money. Or you're a bridesmaid in her wedding and she'd rather not have to find a replacement.

15. If you plan on fitting into a bridesmaid dress 8 months after giving birth? You'd better invest in girdles and diet drinks. Thank god the bride is supposed to look better and thinner than you. In fact, maybe that's why she asked you to be a bridesmaid?

16. Sleep when the baby sleeps is a bunch of garbage. That baby will wake up the instant your head hits the pillow. Instead, keep yourself awake at all costs. Then he will sleep for 3 hours.

17. Sleep deprivation makes for long lists.


  1. all this will (eventually) pass......but I know it never seems like it will while you are living through it


  2. Before they are implanted in utero, babies are given a series of lectures and workshops in how best to drive their parents to drink. These lessons are hardwired into their itsy bitsy nervous systems, so it remains internalized until they replace it with their own parental wiring, sometime around 35.

  3. Mira, very funny post. I love it. In fact the only thing I don't love about it is that it bursts the "My kids are so preciously unique" bubble I keep around myself so as to not throttle them. Because, unique? Nope, they sound just like your kid (down to the one liking noodles, one liking beans, and one not coming to the damn table).

    As for #10, I was going to suggest using snap-in-the-crotch outfits (giant onesies for toddlers) which is what I use on mine but then figured it is highly possible your trio is smart enough to unsnap them suckers. Mine? Thankfully, not so smart.