Monday, June 21, 2010

Lack of REM psychosis

I had a crappy day yesterday.

Boy that makes you want to read on doesn't it? Another whiney blog by whiney mcwhineyton. Heck I'm even starting to get sick of the sound of my own voice.

But I had such high hopes. I found this farm, you see, that sounded like fun (Tara Firma Farm.) It had hourly tours starting in the morning at the perfect time to get there with the kids, tour, pick out steaks (because they make all their own food of course and it's natural and hormone free and truly free range) and then head to grandma and grandpa's house for a Father's day cookout with the kids.

Well hell. That farm is impressive, and the owners are too. They gave up the corporate life to live the words they believed about how food should really be made and processed and how animals should really be treated and what the label "Organic" should really mean. I mean, because the rest of us idiots actually think the stuff marked 'organic' in the stores is. And we actually believe the animals labeled 'free range' get to move around a bit. Well I knew that last part wasn't true, but what to do about it?

In any case, before I go off on a preachy note, the problem was this: the tour involved a ton of walking.

With two year olds.

In the hot sun.

On crazy uneven surfaces with big rocks and sand and dirt and mud puddles.

Can anyone spell disaster? Or maybe spell 'have to carry toddlers the whole way?'

No, I exaggerate. I only had to carry one. And then he didn't want to go to the chickens, but then he didn't want to leave the chickens and go to the pigs, and then he didn't want to leave the pigs and go back to the car for lunch. Sigh. J? Next time I'm leaving you with the chickens.

But it was interesting, if only for the adults. Just made me feel more guilty about my red meat habit. And my eating of helpless animals habit. And my consumption of the easiest meat available habit. And so on. I am the guiltiest carnivore I know. I'd love to have the stamina to be a vegetarian. But when you don't cook? It's even harder to be a vegetarian. Oh the guilt. All those animals suffer to feed me. Why can't our country have a kind, thoughtfully organized food production process? I feel like the bad karma we create by torturing our animals in life and in death will haunt us eventually.

Whoa, went off on a preachy tangent there, didn't I?

Anyway, after that hot, dusty fiasco, which, by the way, didn't even provide us said steaks because they were out for a week, (slaughter doesn't happen on demand, it happens when the damned cows are the right age and size, naturally,) we headed back to the grandparents house.

Let's just say the baby refused to eat all morning, refused to take his naps as he should have, and basically stressed me out.  Then the triplets refused to take their naps, which they rarely, if ever do. And never after a hot, lots of walking morning. They should have passed out immediately. But not on mommy's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. That would be too easy.

So, in essence, due to all 4 children conspiring, I had not one 15 minute period to myself to chill yesterday. And yet I kept wondering why I was in such a bad mood all day? Well the obvious notwithstanding, I figured it out halfway through the afternoon. It was Father's day after all. And where was my father? I guess the second father's day is harder than the first after your father dies. During the first one I hadn't missed him for so many things. I hadn't watched my kids grow for 2 years and wished he could witness so many things or chat about the amazing way they grow intellectually. And I hadn't quite forgiven him for leaving me either. So right about now I've had time to do both of those things. And now it hurts like hell.

I'll have to watch out for these minefields more carefully. Because I needed to be extra nice to myself yesterday and warn those around me to do the same. Instead I crashed through the day angry and crying at every 'failure' and on the verge of a breakdown every minute. Not much fun to be around eh?

But today is a new day. The baby, while still awakening every stinking 2 hours, is eating less and less each time he awakens, voluntarily! So, at this rate, we should have nothing to do when he awakens soon and then that sucker can learn how to put his own damned self back to sleep. Oh the glory of one REM cycle. According to Wikipedia lack of sleep causes death in laboratory animals? I am quite aware that I am bordering on lack of REM psychosis. And would I really know if I had already overstepped that line? I mean who's to say I'm not already psychotic? And you just keep your mouth shut husband.

Just know that those of you not driving on bay area roads near where I live are that much safer. And those of you nearby? If you see a car driving off the road with someone asleep at the wheel? That's me.


  1. Brave woman, doing a tour like that with four little ones.

  2. that does sound like it should have been a fun trip, maybe when they are a bit older they would have enjoyed it more. I understand what you mean about Father's Day and missing your dad, I know it has to be hard after only a short period of time and you want to show him how your kids grew, the new little one, etc. I got a bit melancholy yesterday reading everyone's tributes to their dads, mine died when I was 18 months old.

    I hope you get some sleep very soon!! in the meantime, don't operate any heavy machinery!