Monday, June 28, 2010

I'm getting weaker

If sleep is for the weak then I'm getting weaker every day. That's right, I'm sleeping again. What's funny about having a backlog of 2 weeks of no sleep is that at first you feel worse when you start getting some. The first morning after getting a 2 hour and a 3 hour block of sleep back to back, my feet hurt, my back ached, and my tendons and muscles were all tight and sore. I guess a lot of healing was going on finally. 

The amazing thing is how well my body hid the damage from me that was occurring. Doesn't it seem remarkable that while I was suffering through my 2 weeks of no sleep I didn't feel the feet and the back and so on? Perhaps insanity has some benefits? No physical ailments to speak of. But now that there's time to fix things back up at night? I'm an old lady again. 

And wouldn't you love to know the cure that got me all this sleep? Well apparently the cure was to excise the mom from the night routine. In other words, the first night my husband fed the infant his first night time meal? Was the first night he slept for 5 hours afterwards. 

Little jerk.

I mean I spent night after night catering to his needs, trying to soothe him to a long and lasting sleep, praying to any and all higher powers for a 3 hour stint (oh who am I kidding? I would have made a deal with Satan if it were necessary) and my husband waltzes in there, feeds him more formula than he has taken from me in weeks and voila! Sleep. 

Now I suppose I should be flattered that he liked my company so much that he awoke every hour just to see me, but, ahem, for some reason I'm not. It sure didn't feel like flattery. Felt like torture. 

So after 3 nights of 'longer' blocks of sleep of up to 3 hours at a time I am feeling human again. That doesn't mean I'm not crying at the drop of a hat. Oh no, that's still happening. Now I have to sort out whether I'm in the throes of post partum depression or not. Because the slightest little thing sends me over the cliff. Baby not taking first nap of the day? Insane weeping. Children acting like hooligans in their cribs after lights out? Strong urge to beat the bejesus out of them. (Well maybe that part is normal.) 

What's hard to sort out is what is old wiring from my childhood and from having had triplets, and what is abnormal reactions in the moment. What I mean is am I losing my mind

1. because I am losing control of a situation and due to my childhood I have issues with losing control or not being able to manage a situation so that it doesn't blow up in my face? Or,

2. because when I had triplets, missing a nap meant 3 overtired children screaming at me simultaneously and I have some sort of post traumatic stress disorder reaction to overtired potentialities? Or,

3. because this is PPD and my anxiety level is through the roof and some kind of medication would help me with this?

I think I'll sleep a few more nights before I decide. I know #2 comes into play a lot. Having just one baby is a whole other way of life. One over tired baby can be handled much easier. You can even take turns rocking him or putting him to sleep. One baby who missed his nap is just one baby who has to be forced to take a longer nap next time around. One baby is not a crisis! Three are and I don't have 3. So how do I stop reacting to him like he's one of three? It's like I'm a highly trained war general and I'm having to moderate a wrestling match. I'm overskilled. My adrenaline over-surges and I'm all over the problem like we have to dig trenches and make more ammo. 

So, in any case, let's hope it's not PPD. But if it is, I will not hesitate to take meds. I am a proponent of getting all the help you need, because if you don't, the ones who really suffer are those around you. And my kids deserve a mom who is at her best. Or whats left of her best after having had triplets.


  1. Yay, sleep! And yay for being ready to jump all over the meds if need be. mmmmm, meds gooood. :)

  2. Better living through biochemistry. What's the point of living in the modern age if you refuse to take advantage?

  3. glad you found a "formula" that works for the little guy to take a good feeding and for you to get some sleep!! I know that is a relief indeed for you all, but especially you!


  4. I say you do what you have to do to be sane and healthy. Your kids can only benefit from having a sane, healthy mom.